*Really* trying to be pleasant

Still feeling crappy.
Is it depression?
I don't think so....been down that road before, and this isn't nearly that bad.
It's not like I'm UNABLE to feel good.
I feel good at times every day, and I know I'm still one of the luckiest people around.
But things seem kinda stuck.
Our money situtaion is really weighing on me, all the time.
Every. Damn. Day.
JN and I haven't had time to sit down and figure out how or when I'm gonna work, so that's still hanging over my head, unresolved.
Plus, he and I seem perpetually stuck in what I like (?) to call "roommate mode."
We're living like roommates....we pass each other in the morning and evening, chat about our day and other small talk....
We kiss each other hi and goodbye, and that's about it.
It's not anyone's fault -- he's killing himself at work right now, putting in lots of hours as things get reorganized there.
And I'm just....stuck.
I feel like nothing I'm doing right now is good enough.
Like I'm constantly disappointing JN and shortchanging the boys.
The weather hasn't helped -- it's been windy, crappy and cold for a couple weeks now.
Things are starting to warm up (hopefully) now, so that might help.
So would hitting the lottery.

Having my MIL here didn't help either.
She took JA and I out for a Chinese buffet lunch on Friday, which was AWESOME.
Other than that, it just would have been nice if she wasn't here.
I felt so exhausted, trying to play hostess and keep things running along.
It's just easier when there's no one extra to have to wait on, ya know?
I barely keep up with my normal load....throwing a parent on top of it all doesn't help in the confidence-boosting/sanity department.
And she's a really great houseguest -- out of our 6 parents, she is definitely the easiest and best.
I'm just not right in the head right now, I guess.
As usual, it's me, noone else.
*sigh*
JN and I have to have the work conversation this week, so maybe next time I'll at least have some direction in that area, which will either make me feel better or worse.
No idea which yet.

It would also help if the Cubbies could LOOK DECENT already!
Damn. :(

SCHOOL'S OUT!!!

Today is the first official day of Spring Break!
Is it wrong I tend to get more excited than the boys do about it?
Really seems like it *should* be the other way around....
Of course, the weather isn't gonna be as nice as it was last week, but that's life in the Midwest for ya.
Dammit.
Sucks when I can't have my cake AND eat it too, ya know?

The Final Four is tomorrow, and it will either MAKE MY MONTH or crush me like a grape.
I need Georgetown and UCLA to win (both #2's, playing #1's).
It will either be my personal April Fool's weekend (as I go down in flames), or the rest of the country's (for picking both #1's to win).
I fear it will be the former....I can almost hear Destiny's "MUUAAHHH!!" ringing in my head as I came *this* close to utter, shameless, bonafide, balls-out victory.
*sigh*

I did a Girls Night Out (work group) last night, which was really nice -- only the 3 of us, which I prefer.
I can really be myself with L & L (or as close to myself as I can be surrounded by conservative people who believe the opposite I do about so many things).
I like it when H is there too....but I can do without T & C.
They both seem have a rod firmly wedged up their asses, and though the time with them is still enjoyable, seeing their sour pusses across the table can be a bit dampening on the spirit of things.
Why can't everyone just be like ME?
Would make life so much easier (for me anyway, which -- let's face it -- IS all that matters.)
It should be a while before I see either Girls group again soon (work or school)....which is probably a good thing.
The restaurant L & L chose last night wasn't good on my wallet or waistline.
But it was deadly good on my tastebuds....ooooh baby!
An Italian Bistro with homemade pastas, breads and sauces....2-for-1 glasses of sangria....and all pasta dishes are bottomless!
That should hold me for a while.

Happy Spring Break!!
(I would wish you a Happy Spring, but I refuse to do that when Spring is still off in the distance for a while yet up here....yeah, I'm jealous and spiteful like that.)

BLAH

I'm having one of those BLAH days....you know, those days where you're just tired, unmotivated, don't wanna do ANYTHING. I know everyone has these, whether they work or not (I remember having these days at work too). JUST BLAH. My question is: Does anyone else have those days to the extent that making human social interaction of *any* kind requires real effort? I'm not talking about saying hi to a friend -- you can tell her you're feeling like shit and it's all good. No, I'm talking about smiling at the cashier at WalMart, making small talk with the other moms while picking up the kids from preschool, that kinda stuff. This is stuff we do all day, every day, without a thought -- it's what you do when you're a friendly, normal, fairly well-adjusted member of society. But when I have one of these days (which doesn't happen often), it's almost PAINFUL for me to force a smile or a "hello" to someone. Does this signal some sort of defect in my psychological wiring? Am I really a sociopath who's been pretending to be a nice person all these years -- and is the day coming when I cross over to the other side and never come back? Or am I just having a DAY? Hmmm....

On another note, how SWEET was it to watch Florida kick Ohio State's ass last night?? Not that I'm a Florida fan, by any stretch -- I hate that damn Gator-head-clap-thing they do. But I love seeing the underdog just swoop in and shock the hell outta everyone....and watching their coach cheering with the fans on the sidelines while the game was still going was so cool. THAT'S why we watch the games.

I hope this blah-ness goes away by the time JN's company Xmas party rolls around on Thursday -- gotta really make nice with everyone there. UGH....at this moment, just thinking about doing that all night makes me wanna put my head down for a while.