WHA??

No, I still haven't figured out the whole job/money thing yet.
But I'm tired of thinking about it.
I'll keep you posted when some solution presents itself....enough bitching about it already.

I had a WTF moment with my wonderful middle child yesterday.
JM had been outside playing all day (as they all were), since it's FINALLY warming up and it was gorgeous out.
I had to call them in earlier than they wanted, due to it being a school night, etc....
So after being greeted with the standard "AW MOM's!!" they picked up everything outside and started to come in.
JM informs me he can't find his shoe.
Not both shoes, mind you....he was wearing one.
Couldn't find the other one.
So, thinking this shouldn't be too tough to sort out, I start asking....
"Where did you last see it?"
His response?
"I don't know."
I continue.
"Well, why aren't you wearing it?"
"I don't know."
*sigh*
"Were you playing with it?"
"No, [his friend] H was throwing it."
"Why was he doing that??"
"I don't know."
*heavy sigh*
"Where was H throwing it?"
....all together now.....
"I don't know."
By now, my frustration level reached the point of not being able to speak anymore.
"JUST GET OUT THERE AND FIND IT!!"
Of course, it's now late, dark, and there's rain on the way, so looking in the morning is out.
And yes, these are his only shoes.
Fortunately, my oldest son found it (once I enlisted him to the search crew), which was pretty damn funny considering he had no idea where JM last had it either.
Where was it?
Under the neighbor's bush, of course.
Now, Bill Cosby did the all-time greatest bit about kids and their "I don't knows," and I won't attempt to revisit that here.
But put that aside for a moment: HOW does an otherwise smart kid NOT KNOW

1. why the shoe came off his foot
2. where it was last seen
3. why H was throwing it
4. where H was throwing it

I mean, if he saw H throwing it, why didn't he know WHERE that was taking place?
Am I overthinking this?
JN told me I had to let it go, otherwise my head was likely to explode.
And he was right.
And I did.
But still....HOW does one not know when/where/why one's shoe came off....
And if one sees one's friend playing with it....
How does one not know WHERE said friend was playing with it??....
Okay, I better really let it go for good.
My head's starting to hurt.
Is this normal behavior for a 7-year-old, or is mine just....special?

*Really* trying to be pleasant

Still feeling crappy.
Is it depression?
I don't think so....been down that road before, and this isn't nearly that bad.
It's not like I'm UNABLE to feel good.
I feel good at times every day, and I know I'm still one of the luckiest people around.
But things seem kinda stuck.
Our money situtaion is really weighing on me, all the time.
Every. Damn. Day.
JN and I haven't had time to sit down and figure out how or when I'm gonna work, so that's still hanging over my head, unresolved.
Plus, he and I seem perpetually stuck in what I like (?) to call "roommate mode."
We're living like roommates....we pass each other in the morning and evening, chat about our day and other small talk....
We kiss each other hi and goodbye, and that's about it.
It's not anyone's fault -- he's killing himself at work right now, putting in lots of hours as things get reorganized there.
And I'm just....stuck.
I feel like nothing I'm doing right now is good enough.
Like I'm constantly disappointing JN and shortchanging the boys.
The weather hasn't helped -- it's been windy, crappy and cold for a couple weeks now.
Things are starting to warm up (hopefully) now, so that might help.
So would hitting the lottery.

Having my MIL here didn't help either.
She took JA and I out for a Chinese buffet lunch on Friday, which was AWESOME.
Other than that, it just would have been nice if she wasn't here.
I felt so exhausted, trying to play hostess and keep things running along.
It's just easier when there's no one extra to have to wait on, ya know?
I barely keep up with my normal load....throwing a parent on top of it all doesn't help in the confidence-boosting/sanity department.
And she's a really great houseguest -- out of our 6 parents, she is definitely the easiest and best.
I'm just not right in the head right now, I guess.
As usual, it's me, noone else.
*sigh*
JN and I have to have the work conversation this week, so maybe next time I'll at least have some direction in that area, which will either make me feel better or worse.
No idea which yet.

It would also help if the Cubbies could LOOK DECENT already!
Damn. :(

One week later....

And my mood has not improved.
It's been up and down, and I haven't been a depressed bitch for a solid week, but things are still bleak.
No idea how we're gonna get outta this money trap....
I had resigned myself to doing some kind of day care during the day, but then it occurred to me Summer will be here soon.
Not judging by the crappy cold weather, mind you, but by the calendar.
(We got 2 inches of snow on Saturday, and it's been below 40 for a week!)
I'd just get into the swing of working someplace, and SJ and JM would finish school.
THEN WHAT??
I'd never be able to afford even discounted care for all three of them (JA alone was gonna be tough), so I think I'm stuck with nights.
I figure I gotta work at least 20 hours a week to make it worthwhile, so if I want my weekends free, that's gotta be 4 hours a night.
When is that gonna happen?
JN is rarely home before 6:00, so I'm thinking 7:00 would be the earliest I could commit to being somewhere regularly.
That means I'm getting home from work around 11:30 (at the earliest), my normal bedtime.
Home from work at 11:30 means I won't be in bed until 12:30 or so, which means a not-so-nice Mommy for JA the next day.
Even if JN could promise to be home so I could get somewhere by 6:00, I'm not home until 10:30 (at the earliest)....forget any time spent together.
He's been keeping a similar schedule this past week since things at work got restructured, but that should be done now.
As much as last week sucked, it was only temporary....
We'd be doing it every day, every week.
*sigh*
My head hurts.
See why I haven't been here?
Nothing to do but bitch and whine.
JN's talking about joining a band again, which would be great.
He'd enjoy it, time spent apart would be minimal (a couple times a week), and the money would be the same (or better) as what I'd pull in twice as many hours.
We need some kind of solution soon.

And to cap it all off, my MIL is coming this week! Yay.
The original plan was for my MIL & FIL to be here Friday lunch through Sunday morning (they wanna see SJ's final choir concert Friday night).
A short, sweet visit -- very painless.
Well, now my FIL can't come, which means two new wrinkles that suck:

1. My MIL doesn't drive herself, so we gotta take her to and from the train, of which the nearest station is 1&1/2 hours south of us. ONE WAY. I thought JN was gonna pick her up, but he now says he can't, so I'm stuck doing it on Wednesday. Which means I gotta make arrangements for SJ and JM to go home from school with someone else, I lose a whole day I thought I had to prepare for her visit, and it's gonna be near impossible to make dinner, do the boys' homework and get them to bed at a reasonable time after we get back. GREAT!
2. Which brings me to the next point....she's decided to extend her visit. Why stay for just a weekend when you can stay for 5 days?!? She's now arriving Wednesday afternoon, and leaving Sunday afternoon. Despite the obvious "oh great, my MIL will be here even longer!" thing, I'm wondering what the heck we're gonna do all day Thursday and Friday while the boys are in school and JN is at work. I normally get things done around here and mess around a little on the computer -- THAT ain't gonna happen. I've gotta play hostess. I'm lost on this one. (And the ultimate capper....we were thinking we might be able to get out for a night while she's here and get raunchy [which we *badly* need to do], but I'll be getting my period the day she arrives. Life is just dumping on us and laughing at this point.)
   

So all in all, I'm really looking forward to this, can you tell??
Her visit is well-timed too, with no money to speak of....should be loads of fun.

I do apologize -- I said I'd be in better spirits when I came back, and here I am, shitting all over you again.
But I wanted to let you know I'm alive (mostly), and probably won't have time to be here over the next week....I'm spending these next two days gutting the house to the best of my ability.
At least the Cubs took 2 of 3 from the Brewers this weekend -- that was SWEET.
And Easter yesterday was nice....we had a great egg-hunt here and a nice day at my mom's.
But WOW, is the rest of this week gonna suck.
Spring Break is ending today, and reality is crashing back in with a vengeance (that 6:15 alarm tomorrow morning is gonna be PAINFUL).
I will really try to have something better to talk about next time....
I really will.

Crash and burn....

Dammit.
Both teams lost, knocking us outta both pools.
So, the money I was hoping would help us out is not there.
Sucks.
I'd almost rather have never been in the running for either pool, instead of winning/in it up until the very end.
Feels like my heart got ripped out.
This is why I don't gamble regularly, and would never be able to....
Too little chance for payoff, too great of a chance of crushing defeat.
Fuck!

Partly because of this (and partly because we're just plain screwed financially in general), I may have to find work.
HOW and WHEN this is gonna happen, I have no idea.
If I do something at night, I won't be able to make dinner, JN and I would *never* spend time together anymore, and I'd always be getting to bed late (making me a bear the next day for poor JA).
If I just did weekends, I wouldn't make enough money to help our situation much at all.
I can't do anything during the day since JA is still home, other than work at a day care (where all my money would go to pay for JA's care and he may hate it), or bring a kid into our home (which I've never heard good things about -- parents abuse the hours, you can never take days off, their kids come sick, etc.)....
Every option is either impossible or sucks.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do, but I gotta look around this week and see what I can find.
And even IF (big if) I find something, I don't know if I'd even make enough to get us above water every month.
I could kill myself and everything around here could suffer, and we'd STILL be short every month.
This should be interesting.

What bothers me the most about it is I feel like I'm screwing JA over.
SJ and JM had me at home and not working when they were in preschool.
Why should JA get the short end of the deal?
Just because he's the youngest?
And he's the one that seems to need me home the most, since he's a little behind the other kids with his fine motor skills, writing his name, etc.
Everything about this sucks....kept me up last night worrying about it, and I had one wacky dream about it too.
I hope something presents itself as a reasonable solution soon.
'Cause I just don't see one.

Today was supposed to be a good day -- we're on Spring Break, I was down a pound on the scale this morning, and today is Cubbies' Opening Day!
The day I've waiting months for!!
And I am excited to see them kick it all off in an hour and a half....
But this has got me down, big time.
I find myself wondering if I'll even be able to watch games this year if I'm working....
My days are gonna be way fuller and I'm gonna be way more tired.
Is that enough bitching, pissing and moaning for ya?
HOW do working moms do it and deal with the guilt?
I have no clue.
Sorry....I'll try to be more sunshiney next time.

GO CUBBIES!!!!