Crash and burn....

Dammit.
Both teams lost, knocking us outta both pools.
So, the money I was hoping would help us out is not there.
Sucks.
I'd almost rather have never been in the running for either pool, instead of winning/in it up until the very end.
Feels like my heart got ripped out.
This is why I don't gamble regularly, and would never be able to....
Too little chance for payoff, too great of a chance of crushing defeat.
Fuck!

Partly because of this (and partly because we're just plain screwed financially in general), I may have to find work.
HOW and WHEN this is gonna happen, I have no idea.
If I do something at night, I won't be able to make dinner, JN and I would *never* spend time together anymore, and I'd always be getting to bed late (making me a bear the next day for poor JA).
If I just did weekends, I wouldn't make enough money to help our situation much at all.
I can't do anything during the day since JA is still home, other than work at a day care (where all my money would go to pay for JA's care and he may hate it), or bring a kid into our home (which I've never heard good things about -- parents abuse the hours, you can never take days off, their kids come sick, etc.)....
Every option is either impossible or sucks.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do, but I gotta look around this week and see what I can find.
And even IF (big if) I find something, I don't know if I'd even make enough to get us above water every month.
I could kill myself and everything around here could suffer, and we'd STILL be short every month.
This should be interesting.

What bothers me the most about it is I feel like I'm screwing JA over.
SJ and JM had me at home and not working when they were in preschool.
Why should JA get the short end of the deal?
Just because he's the youngest?
And he's the one that seems to need me home the most, since he's a little behind the other kids with his fine motor skills, writing his name, etc.
Everything about this sucks....kept me up last night worrying about it, and I had one wacky dream about it too.
I hope something presents itself as a reasonable solution soon.
'Cause I just don't see one.

Today was supposed to be a good day -- we're on Spring Break, I was down a pound on the scale this morning, and today is Cubbies' Opening Day!
The day I've waiting months for!!
And I am excited to see them kick it all off in an hour and a half....
But this has got me down, big time.
I find myself wondering if I'll even be able to watch games this year if I'm working....
My days are gonna be way fuller and I'm gonna be way more tired.
Is that enough bitching, pissing and moaning for ya?
HOW do working moms do it and deal with the guilt?
I have no clue.
Sorry....I'll try to be more sunshiney next time.

GO CUBBIES!!!!